The Art of the Proper Cheese Plate

Here's the thing with a cheese plate - it's not just about cheese.

Sure, you can slice up some colby and mozzarella and call it a cheese plate, but give me a break. That's cheese on a plate, not a cheese plate.

A cheese plate is a work of art, a fanciful exploration of possibilities. It can go many directions, but to be correct, must remain balanced and pleasing in every aspect. The preparer - for no cooking is involved - must carefully select the cheese plate items for an experience of salty, creamy, sweet, crunchy, fruity, simple and complex.

There must be at least two cheeses, preferably three or more, of good quality and of a variety of flavors and textures. It helps if they aren't all cow's milk. One cow, one goat, one sheep is an interesting mix. Or one creamy, one semi-soft or firm, and one dry and crumbly.

My favorite would be either one brie or blue, one aged cheddar, and some kind of Pecorino or Parmesan.

The classic accompaniments are bread, fruits (fresh or dried) and nuts. Neglect not olives, though. A development I've seen recently is a blob of honey with comb served with a blue cheese. I like that.

At home, I get creative with different types of crackers, hearts of palm, several different olives, little pickles or cornichons, sliced sweet peppers, dabs of hummus. Dried fruits like raisins or apricots, a thinly-sliced apple.

Tonight's cheese plate featured:
Goat cheese gouda
A strong American blue cheese
Triscuits
Lucques Olives
Plain hummus
Hearts of Palm, sliced lengthwise
Walnuts coated with cocoa and chipotle powders
Apple, sliced thin

The lovely thing about making a cheese plate at home is that it turns cleaning out the fridge into an artistic, creative experience. The fridge and cabinets become sources of hidden treasure. Before, it was a just tablespoon of leftover walnuts. Now it is a cheese plate accompaniment! I am a culinary genius!

Another one off the list

This was not the pizza. This is really good butternut squash pizza.

I go out to lunch on Mondays when I am in the office because I am too lazy to take my lunch. I try to go different places and see what is out there. Culinary adventure. I'm a real Indiana Jones that way.

I checked Yelp and found a pizza place I hadn't been. I found the little place hidden in a non-descript strip mall back off the street. A crap location to be sure.

I was the only customer. I figured Monday lunch, a little late, in a crap location. Ok.

I ordered my food and got an iceberg lettuce salad topped with a those pink unripe tomato slices and a handful of shredded mozzarella cheese. Not so good.

But here's the really bad thing. The old dude that ran the place came over, saw I was reading the newspaper, and began shoving the newspaper aside in an irritated fashion as if he were pissed that I was reading the paper where he needed to sit his salad. I picked up the paper and moved it out of the way. Started eating salad and reading the newspaper again.

Back he came with the pizza plate holder thing and the pizza plate. He again harumphed around as if I were messing with his game. I couldn't believe it. I wanted to have a nice lunch and now some jackass is mad because I dare to do what I want while I'm eating (at a 4-top, which had plenty of room to just put down the food and leave me to my stupid newspaper).

Then he went over and turned on Fox news LOUD despite that Sinatra was also playing loudly. I stuck my fingers in my ears and kept reading. Do you know how hard it is to eat pizza with your fingers stuck in your ears?

Anyway, Fox News was the final straw that convinced me to never go back. It should never be played at mealtimes. In fact, that channel should come with a warning: may induce nausea and vomiting.

Public Service Announcement: Salad

Vegetable Charlotte - now THAT's what I'm talking about

I am a vegetarian and have been since 1986, yet I can count on one hand the times I have thought "Going out to eat? Yay, I can get a SALAD!" I may not even need any fingers to do that.

It always takes me aback a bit when my non-veg friends muse "Is there anything at Restaurant X you can eat? Oh, they have salad!" as if that solves the problem.

Maybe non-veg people look forward to having a nice salad as a meal out. Then again, their salads are usually topped by grilled shrimp or a breast of chicken.

I suppose it is the idea that vegetarian = vegetables and the fact that many non-vegetarians eat vegetables reluctantly, if at all, and often in the form of salads that gives rise to the belief that vegetarians are big salad eaters.

I'm not. I rarely eat salad. My greens usually turn to bags of pre-compost green liquid in the crisper drawer before I ever get around to eating them.

I do love vegetables. I love 95% of all plant matter (the only exceptions I can think of are bitter melon, starchy big lima beans and...that's pretty much it). I love plant matter prepared creatively as soups, stews, curries, stuffed vegetables, tartes, tortas, with pasta and noodles, on sandwiches, tagines, gratineed, roasted, fried, sauteed, steamed and put on pizza.

I even love salad sometimes, just not as the main course. So - here's the PSA part - if you're choosing a restaurant to take your vegetarian friend to and the only non-meat item they have on the menu is a salad, go somewhere else.

I remembered my password!

I haven't posted on this blog in almost a year! About eight of those months have been spent occasionally wondering what email and password were connected to this blog, and being unable to remember.

It came back to me! Glory hallelujah.

Who knows if I will start posting again. I still love food, but I have fallen into culinary bad habits like eating cheese plates for dinner (cheese, crackers, olives, cucumbers, cherry tomatoes, maybe a couple slices of Tofurkey lunch "meat") and not cooking anything real.

Here's a food pic that cracked me up. I love Baken!


Thanks for stopping by after all this time. I'll be better, I promise!

Hot Carrots!

I expanded my little urban garden this year.

I grew
4 kinds of tomatoes
Bananas
Green Beans
Herbs (dill, mint, chives, basil)
Strawberries (pretty stupid, considering strawberries are $5 per half flat here)
Tomatillos
And this pretty "Hungarian Carrot" chile plant:

I assumed it would be sweet like orange peppers from the grocery store.

WRONG. I bit off a piece today and it brought tears to my eyes. I actually went over to the mirror to see if I had blisters on my lips and tongue.

I like spicy food - in fact, last Sunday I was making fun of LaurieWrites, Goon Squad Sarah, Suzanne, and Clumber Kim for not being able to handle the "medium" hot guacamole at Rosa Mexicano restaurant. (They seemed to handle it better after a few Bloody Marys).

But this. This was different. I always thought of the Hungarians as mild-mannered people, spice-wise, based, I suppose, on their love of sweet paprika.

They fooled me. The Hungarian Carrot pepper is hotter than a Serrano, not as hot as a Habañero. But plenty hot enough. I have quite a few. Any takers?